Weep For the Past/ Smile for the Morrow

We each have a story to tell. Many closed doors, hidden secrets, desires, dreams. Skeletons are not always found in people’s closets. Sometimes they are in the brain…watching…waiting. The exit time is unknown.

Some say if they could just rewind time. Go back to what once was. Why? The same outcome is always meant to be. Who is to say it would be better? It could be worse. Much worse. It could possibly become a domino effect. There would not be just one thing changed, but many.

But I have gotten off of the subject. Skeleton’s on the mind. Buried deeply. Brought forth by just one spark…one word.

They say monsters come out in the darkness. The night time holds their sickness. The demons will play. Not always. Most off the monsters are out and about in the daylight hours.

Monsters and demons do not always have sharp talons, razor sharp teeth, and screechy voices. They do not always have an evil appearance. They can fool even the most observant person.

They walk among us laughing, telling jokes, a smile and a tip of the hat. Drinking their coffee as if they are the perfect person. While deep down they are waiting for the right moment to strike.

It is not always rage. It is a thirst for power. A selfish will. It is an I want, and a me thing. It could be more. Who knows what goes through the mind of an abuser?

Which is worse mental or physical? Both are bad, but I think mental is worse. Scars heal, pain eventually goes away, but words stay in your mind. I know words cannot make you bleed, but they can tear your soul apart. They can become buried so far down that you forget to ever trust again.

You disappear. The real you, fades away. You do not even remember who you were or what you want to become until years after the situation ends. Still, for years to come some word or memory pops up and you shiver.

Eggshells. You walk around wondering when your punishment will come. Why are you being punished? What had you done that was so wrong? You watch, and you wait, knowing that anytime the blow will come.

“You are so stupid. Is that what is for supper, again?” You get what you can on the limited amount of money he gives you. That is all you are allowed. Maybe he is afraid you will take the money and run. You depend on him and his money because he will not allow you to work.

What will cause it this time? Some little something sets him off. Little things. Nothing major. It does not do any good to dwell on it anymore for no matter what you do it is never right, nor good enough.

It hurts. Oh, how it hurts. The bleeding has finally stopped, and he is quiet for a time. You tiptoe around to keep the attention from you. It is working for a time. Some TV show has his attention. You keep telling yourself shhh be quiet do not disturb the calm.

Then the angry yell. As a slave runs to their master you go.

I have heard people say just leave. Call someone. It is not as easy to do. You cannot run away. No money, no job, nothing to call your own. You fear for family’s safety, so you cannot go there. Your friends are all his friends and they would not believe what is going on. The secrets had been kept so well.

Many, many reasons and so few choices. So the days go by, your soul sinks further, and you pray that someday the right choice will come along.

There is more. So much more. It would take forever to describe the forever from your past. It is over now, but will it ever really be over. There is a choice now. Bury it deeply. Rise in life. Reach for the bright side and hold tightly. After what you had been through never give up. Never give in. And always smile though you are crying inside.

© Cynthia Clark